Wednesday, January 6, 2010

P.S. I Love You... Hot Dogs.

My friend Alisha said something really funny while I was eating a hot dog (of course) and I almost choked. She urged me not to choke on a hot dog because she would hate to read that obituary. Now that's just good, solid advice. It would read as follows:

A bereaved Parmenter family today remembers their beloved Hillary. She was a crabby wife, a negligent mother, and an avid hot-dog eater. The service was simple and short, her body being interred whilst a lone bugle sounded “my bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R…” The pall-bearers briefly buckled under the weight of their kindred dead, but quickly recovered, with only one person sustaining life-threatening injuries. The autopsy revealed what family had already suspected: hot-dog asphyxiation. “We always encouraged her to swallow before she took another bite, but she wouldn’t listen” her sister said through her tears. Wienerschnitzel catered the event.

Ball Park was not available for comment.

How would your obit read?


  1. I love how Judd pretends she is hefty. When in actuality she has the body of a supermodel and she STILL gets to eat hot dogs on a regular basis. How does she keep her figure so trim and nice? here's how in 3 easy steps: #1)She left Ecuador and stopped having her companion make her "oil pancakes" and whole milk smoothies on a regular basis. #2) despite what she says, she is a perfectly awesome mother, and has the patience of a saint. That patience usually means running around after her crazy child. Running=cardio. And #3) She never eats. I've been to her house. The woman never eats! Except for a rouge hot dog every now and again, apparently.

    And to answer your question my obituary would read as such: Dirty until the day she died, Alicia hated to shower. "I don't like wet hair" she would reply when asked. She also hated bananas, brushing her teeth and taking the dog out to go to the bathroom in sub-freezing temperatures. She is survived by her daughter (who never really loved her in the first place. I mean, the kid won't even say the word "mama!" for crying out loud) and her husband who was found dancing the salsa before he was notified of her death. She died from electrocution after a large zap of static electricity traveled generated by her fleece jacket traveled up and into her earbuds that she wore constantly. Her brain was fried. Donations can be sent directly to her husband. He'll need all the help he can get!

  2. Hil my hopes are to one day die wearing nothing but a pair of cowboy boots.

    My obituary would read:
    Today we laid to rest our dear Haley. She died after a long battle with a head injury caused by falling after setting an impressive record for naked cartwheels.
    She loved and hated onions. Often had no self discipline which is why she never woke up to work-out like she said she would in her 2010 goals.
    Haley will be buried in the back of her parents yard until the money is raised to buy her a headstone, and move her to the cemetery. We ask that you pray that the dogs don't dig up her bones until we can move her.
    She will be missed by all her family, especially her fully clothed husband, Nate who's mourning has taken the form of dating hot, young 18 year olds.
    Go Ninja, Go Ninja, Go!

  3. You are such a liar. Okay, maybe not a liar, but you do not see yourself as you truly are. What a loser.....I wish everyone had my self-esteem...=)
    My obit would read "She liked clothes, but had nowhere to put them. She liked shoes too. She is survived by her 6-year old daughter who is very happy to have her mom's bed all to herself now. Her parents danced on her grave while burning all of her belongings in a giant bon fire in their back yard. Aramie wanted no fuss to be made over her burial, so her body was driven a few miles down the road from her family's home and thrown out into the woods. She hopes that the local wild life will enjoy her corpse."

  4. I just realized that my parents can't exactly dance on my grave if I am thrown out into the woods. Maybe they will dance on a memorial plaque with my picture on it that they will place out by the back fence.

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  6. Aramie, you are a very disturbing and disturbed person. your obit would read as follows:

    the city of peru mourns today over the tragic loss of Aramie J Randall. she met her demise upon stumbling over a pile of expensive and really cute shoes on the floor, and landing face-down on her $5 sewing table. Knocked unconcious by the blow, she then drowned in her stash of Victoria Secret lotions. she is survived by her 6 year old daughter who remembers fondly the time she barfed in a bag in the car and the bag exploded onto her mother's lap. somehow, they still ended up at a soap manufacturing plant that afternoon. a little vomit never stopped Aramie. Though her daughter mourns the loss of her well-styled mother, she is pumped at the opportunity to live with her less stylish aunt, Hillary. "it's going to be so awesome! We are going to eat hot dogs every night!" Kacey said, then hurriedly remembered that now is no time for smiling. Aramie's autopsy revealed that death was just moments away, anyway, coutesy of her dirty little Rock Star habit. she will be missed by a handful of people.

  7. Excuse me, Hillary. I gave up Rock Stars long ago. For the past year I have been addicted to the purple Monster energy drinks, and I will have you know that they are 30% juice, so I think of it as a nutritionally balanced breakfast. I couldn't fall to my death because my spare tire (courtesy of my energy drink habit) would have made me bounce back up like a rubber ball. I don't have any more Vickie's Secret lotions. I don't like how they feel. See, you don't know me at all!

  8. oh, do mine Hil...write my obit please!!

  9. The world mourns the loss of a dear friend, mother, wife, and dance instructor. Alisha Sell was practicing her moves when she got a little over-ambitious. Her leg kick was flawless, but due to her extreme age, her joints stiffened and she was unable to lower the leg before she landed. The impact of her landing shattered her old and brittle hips. I mean, she was in her early 30’s, afterall. She called for help, but nobody was home to hear her and her neighbor called the police. “First it was the Monster Mash, and now this?” he is reported to have said. He did not return calls for comment. Upon police arrival, family was notified. Her inconsolable friend Hillary said, “I’ll always remember trying to find jeans that didn’t give her a muffin-top. But, I mean, she weighed at least 72 pounds, so you can imagine the futility of our efforts. She was always a big dreamer…” Her kids recalled an amazing mother who once made them eat cooked carrots off the floor. Her youngest kept dancing and saying, “down down baby, I can do karate.” We aren’t sure what that was supposed to mean.
    Her funeral service was very elegant, catered by Café Rio. There was a small, very professional spy who secured all the perimeters.


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