Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Tell Them Large Marge Sent You!

On this very night, ten years ago, along this very stretch of road in a dense fog just like this, I saw the worst accident I ever seen (please tell me you’ve seen Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. I can’t bear for you to think my grammar is this remedial). There was this sound, like a garbage truck dropped off the Empire State Building...

Well, I guess that is not exactly accurate. There was no fog at all; it was a bright and sunny day. Yesterday, actually. Alisha and I had just finished our visiting teaching and we were hanging out in her kitchen catching up. I dismounted from the stool I was sitting on and bent down to grab something off the floor. Then I tried to sit back down. That’s when it happened. The stool wasn’t where it ought to have been and I went backwards, falling, falling, until I slammed down on her hardwood floor. I took down a plate of scrambled eggs along with me. It was like a garbage truck dropped off the Empire State Building. And when they pulled my body from the twisted, burning wreck, it looked like this...

Alisha is so considerate that she miraculously restrained her laughter until she made sure I was alright. Once my survival was assured (but my dignity destroyed), she laughed so hard that she had to lean on her counter to bear up the hilarity of it all. Alisha is a dancer, so it was just suiting that my moment of dire clumsiness was witnessed by my most graceful friend.

After my supreme acrobatic performance, Darby and I set off for home. We didn’t have the car that day, so I set off on foot, pushing Darby in the stroller (I can’t let her walk alongside busy roads, you know this). We passed a tiny, ancient man in a motorized chair as we crossed on the cross-walk. As we set off down the sidewalk, I heard an ominous humming coming up behind us. It got closer and closer and I quickened my pace. Finally, I decided that if I was going to be able to protect Darby, I had to find out what we were up against. I looked back only to see said ancient man drive his chair off the sidewalk and into the road, ultimately blowing past us like a bat out of hell! Apparently I walk too slowly for mechanized chairs. Apparently, those chairs are fitted with hemi engines.

It was not a good day for self-esteem in the Parmenter household.

What is one of your most embarrassing moments?

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

True Story

We all know that public bathrooms are a trial for me. I am able to avoid them almost always, but my 3 year old is a different story. Darby loves public bathrooms. And she pees a lot. This is why I keep a potty-chair in the car at all times. I know it sounds crazy, but it is actually brilliant. However, I am not willing to take Darby out of Sacrament meeting to have her pee in the car. We Mormons are notorious stragglers and I don’t want the reputation which is sure to ensue after one fashionably late person sees my baby peeing in the car in the parking lot.

So, Sunday was our Easter program at church. It was really beautiful with gorgeous music and my gorgeous gal Alisha giving a powerful talk. After the talk, Darby had to go potty, so I reluctantly took her to the bathroom. I know the bathrooms are cleaned every Saturday, but I’ve been one of the volunteers to clean the bathroom on a Saturday and so I know first-hand that our methods leave something to be desired.

I have a strict Darby-in-a-Public-Bathroom Policy. It is this: DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING. So, ever obedient Darby (ha ha) held my hands with both of her hands as she scooted herself back on the massive toilet. She looked down to make sure her stream was making it in the bowl. I looked down at her because she took one of her hands from mine and was rubbing her head, as though it was hurting. I leaned down and kissed her forehead.

It was wet.

“Lick my head.” Those where her real words. I replied with a question; “Why?” She replied with the worst words she could have uttered in that particular situation. “Because potty got on it.”

That’s right, people. Potty splashed up out of a public toilet and onto my daughter’s head, which head I then kissed. With my lips. Potty.

I think that in the future, I’ll opt for the reputation of the weirdo at church who makes her kid pee in the car. It is better than the alternative.

So, what’s up with you?

Monday, April 12, 2010

Monday, April 5, 2010


My mom was in town for the last week and a half and it was so fun! I’ll post some pictures of our visit when she sends them to me (you know my camera battery woes). I’ll talk about our visit when I have some pictures to go along with it. Otherwise, I don’t really have much to say this time around (count your many blessings), but I wanted to post some pictures of Darby. These are from a few Saturdays ago when she was helping with the yard work. That basically translates into Darby chasing us around with the leaf blower. Couldn’t you just kiss that little face forever?!