Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Twist and Shout

Seriously though, have you ever had a mammogram? Holy crap, that hurts! I’ve had far too many at my relatively young age and will have them pretty frequently, probably for life. No worries; today’s didn’t result in a biopsy or lumpectomy (though I do enjoy a good anesthesia-induced nap), just another one in six months. Now THAT is something to look forward to. The room today was freezing, like runny nose kind of cold. And I’m standing in there, bare breasted while an icy, gloved hand maneuvered my girls around. Then, she’d hold them in place as she closed the machine down on them. Just as I thought that I couldn’t take the pain for a second longer (and this coming from me, who was in labor for 71 full hours, so I’m pretty tough), she’d stop the machine. Thank goodness, right? Wrong. Then she’d manually tighten it up a couple of notches more. She’d tell me to hold my breath while she took the x-ray, but I always already was. I find that in moments of extreme agony, I tend to stop breathing anyway. My last mammo wasn’t nearly so brutal and I sort of scoffed at women who complain about them. Oh, how I repent of that. Last time, I didn’t have a mess of scar-tissue from July’s lumpectomy. Yeah, my boobs are getting prettier and prettier as time passes.

Sitting out in the waiting room between the mammo and the breast ultrasound, another woman caught my eye. She was observing social etiquette and not mentioning how awkward it was that we were sitting there in silence, bra-less and wearing a little smock/shirt that we were desperately trying to keep closed. I can never handle good manners for very long, so I said, “You know, I’m thinking of taking this sweet shirt home so that I can wear it in my family portrait.” She was obviously unimpressed with my lack of couth and said, “At least they are pink.” To which I replied, “Yes, it helps maintain an air of femininity.”

Really I don’t know what kind of a comment you could possibly make in regards to this post, so the pressure is off.


  1. That kills me everytime!! Hold your breath! Like anyone could even breath in that much pressured pain! Ugh...
    Good luck.

  2. I would TOTALLY receive a Shatner Mammogram. I bet it would set my phaser to AWESOME. (Is that the right word? Phaser? No clue)

    I can't believe the lady didn't appreciate your comment on your shirt. I bet she really WAS thinking about stealing it, and when you called her on it, she didn't know how to respond.

    And I think everyone's boobs are out to get them. They are either too small, too big, to floppy, to limp, too massive or too full of cancers and/or scar tissue. And just when you start thinking "I'm ok with my boobs" you get pregnant and they change! Or you find a lump and realize that they have just been laying there in wait to kill you.

    Boobs, I despise you. But until I learn how to get milk from my belly button, I guess you get to stick around.

    P.S. I miss you!


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